Red Sox Nation [walks into room]: What’s going on here?
Gabe Kapler [packing suitcase; looking guilty]: It’s… it’s nothing. I’m, er, going out with some of the boys. Just packing some extra socks in case our feet get wet.
Red Sox Nation: What do you take me for? Don’t you think I saw this? [Holds up plane ticket to Japan]
Kapler [rubs neck]: Oh. Yes. Well, that’s for Uncle Stew. You know how he always wanted to connect with his penpal, Yogimura.
Red Sox Nation [walking up to him, tears welling]: Don’t play me like this. You’re leaving. Why?
Kapler: It’s just a short trip. A little sightseeing. A chance to let the whole World Series Champs thing settle in.
Red Sox Nation: [Holds up Yomiuri Giants cap] And this? Just a souvenir, I suppose?
Kapler [sits down on bed]: Look. We need to talk.
Red Sox Nation: I knew it.
Kapler [takes the hat, puts it in his suitcase]: I’ve enjoyed every minute of this. You know I have. But…
Red Sox Nation: …you’re not happy. Don’t say it, I know. I see it in your eyes.
Kapler: That’s where you’re wrong. I’m very happy here. All that goofy dancing and the constant viewing of Damon’s girl. It’s a good life. But I’ve got the hardware now. The ring. That elusive prize.
Red Sox Nation: Everything was so perfect. I thought we could make a life together.
Kapler [Moves to window and stares out, into the sunshine]: I did the second fiddle thing for two years. It’s been a blast. But I need to do what’s right for me. I’ll get to play every day. Also, sushi. Whenever I want. It was too much to pass up.
Red Sox Nation [weeping] I knew you’d go. Somehow, I always knew.
Kapler [picks up suitcase]: It’s not you. It’s me. It’s the game. It’s just… it’s just this crazy game.
Red Sox Nation: Write me.
Kapler [walking out]: Yeah, I’ll get on that.
Carlos Beltran [sticking head out of closet]: Hey, can I come out now?
Red Sox Nation: Get back in there, you fool. He’s not even out the driveway yet!