[with apologies to McSweeneys]
Game One, Bottom of the Third Inning
Francona: This is such a key moment in the game for us here. We’ve got the bases loaded, the crowd’s going wild. Johnny was looking for something to hit, and he delivers with a single to right. Great bit of hitting there.
LaRussa: Yeah, now I’m coming out to take the ball from Woody. I really hated to do this, as you can see from my body language.
Francona: What are you saying to him there?
LaRussa: I told him to take some solace in the fact that he has one of the most well-groomed goatees in Major League Baseball. Personally, I’d say it’s second only to Bert Blyleven’s in terms of greatest baseball beards.
Francona: Bert had a great beard.
LaRussa: I believe, firmly, that when people think about the best beards ever worn by a baseball player, they’re gonna think Blyleven first, then probably Woody.
Francona: Al Hrabosky might be the wild card there.
LaRussa: That was just a moustache, though. Woody’s maintaining some real estate on the chin as well. There’s just so much more involved.
Francona: Good point.
LaRussa: Plus, grooming really wasn’t Al’s thing. Of course, neither was “showing up to the ballpark sober” or “not spending per diems on teenaged hookers.”
Francona: Oh my.
LaRussa: Christ, he’s gonna kick my ass for that. Can we delete that last bit? Just erase it?
Francona: Here’s Cabrera’s single, which makes it six to two.
LaRussa: I remember standing in the dugout watching this, thinking sometimes I wish I didn’t have eyes.
Game Two, Bottom of the First Inning
Francona: Wow, Tek really did drive that ball. Two big runs for us there.
LaRussa: Believe it or not, I missed this whole first inning. I was in the can.
Francona: You’re kidding.
Game Three, Bottom of the Third Inning
Francona: This play with Suppan.
Francona: Did… did he ever explain to you why he stopped halfway between third and home?
LaRussa: Well at this point, I had already relinquished control of the team. The Ozzie Smith Robot was calling the shots from a bunker beneath home plate.
Francona: Ozzie Smith Robot?
LaRussa: Forget it. I’ve already said too much.
Security Guard: Mr. LaRussa. Will you come with me, please?
Game Three, Bottom of the Sixth Inning
Francona: Pujols strikes out! Man, Pedro was really on auto-pilot.
LaRussa: I was so upset here, I went back into the clubhouse and kicked a henway.
Francona: What’s a henway?
LaRussa: About five pounds.
Francona [awkward laughter]: You got me there, you rascal.
LaRussa: Works every time.
Game Three, Top of the Seventh Inning
Francona: I told Ortiz that if he hit a homerun here, I’d drink a fifth of Chivas from his jockstrap and make out with Dick Radatz.
LaRussa: Good thing he grounded out.
Francona: He did? [starts making spitting sounds] That bastard!
LaRussa: Would you be offended if I moved one chair over?
Francona [gagging, rolling on floor]: Listerine! Listerine!
Game Four, Bottom of the First Inning
LaRussa: Here’s where I figured our comeback was gonna begin.
Game Four, Top of the Third Inning
Francona: This double by Trot was huge. He’s such a gamer.
LaRussa: At this point, I had replaced my entire infield with the cast of the ABC sitcom According to Jim.
Francona: No way.
LaRussa: See over there at shortstop? None other than The Belush himself.
Francona: I was about to say that I thought you guys really looked alive in this inning.
LaRussa: Oh, the irony.