Thanks to Matthew for the photo, which depicts his “breakfast of champions” on the morning of the Rolling Rally.
Good morning, all.
This message is for my loved ones. My family.
And it is to let you know that I am back.
It’s been a while since we last spoke. It was shortly before the first pitch of the first game of the ALDS when I entered the lead-lined bunker, with only a bottle of Jaeger and some Pabst Blue Ribbon to keep me company.
You must understand, I did this for you. The people who matter most to me. Because you know how I get when I watch a Red Sox game, particularly the playoffs. Most people have only read about it. You… you’ve lived it.
And although it was, at times, a harrowing ride, the Sox pulled off the impossible. The defied our expectations, blew cheap cigar smoke in the face of the Babe, and, hopefully, put to rest all the silly talk of curses in this town.
So now, after experiencing the indescribable euphoria [you no doubt heard me yelling through the walls, and the delicate sound of hurled chairs] and then re-watching every last second on video, I’m coming back. To rejoin the family.
And, based on your past concerns, I have altered my behavior accordingly for the better of the family unit.
No more calling the kids “Pokey.” No more refusing to let the in-laws in the house unless they can recite Bellhorn’s career stats against lefties. No more wearing my Ramirez jersey and eye-black to church. No more inciting “the wave” at the dinner table. No more telling that “off color” joke with the Keith Foulke punch line.
For the good of my family, these are easy choices to make. All I ask is that you welcome me back with open arms.
I also ask that you welcome the Alan Embree Robot, which I’ve constructed in the shed. He’s pretty gregarious [the laser guns he’s equipped with are strictly for show] and really just sits around making that humming noise and drinking beer. He can also answer in detail any questions you might have about how it felt to be on the mound for the final out of the ALCS, so I hope you take the time to discuss this with him.
In short, I’m glad to be back and spending quality time with you. Plus, the holidays are coming, and there’ll certainly be no shortage of family activities to partake in. Honestly, I can hardly wait.
I will note, however, that my participation in these events will depend heavily on the release schedules of the inevitable “season recap” DVDs and the airdates of any Red Sox TV specials. Sure, I want to trim the tree as a family, but if you think I’m missing “Christmas with Cabrera” for it, you’re crazy.
I want you to know how much I’ve missed you all, and I’m very excited for our future as a family in this city that can now claim a World Series championship. You’ve been more than accommodating of me throughout this remarkable postseason, and I promise to make it up to all of you by being the best friend, father and husband you could possibly ever imagine.
At least until Spring Training.