How to Watch the ALCS [a handy guide]

1. Tune into FOX

2. Press “mute” on your remote to spare yourself the inane blabbering of Tim McCarver and crew

3. Switch channel during prerequisite thirty-four showings of Aaron Boone’s home run

4. Switch channel during prerequisite fifty-seven showings of “the Buckner”

5. Laugh loudly and enjoy the inevitable replays of the “Tek feeds A-Rod some glove” clip

5. Activate invisible electric barrier that protects your TV screen from kicks, flying beer bottles and bare asses.

6. Keep a blank tape in the VCR [or roll TiVo] because you know, at some point in this series, someone’s going down. Also, if the Sox do end up winning, don’t you want the complete set of games captured for posterity and repeated viewings until your final breath? I know I do.

Places Other Than Ball Parks Where I’ve Heard the “Yankees Suck” Chant

1. A wedding reception in New Haven, CT

2. D’Angelos Sub Shop on Washington Street in Hingham

3. The KISS/Poison Concert at The Tweeter Center in Mansfield (7/2004)

4. The 3:07 Green Line D Train, Brookline Hills stop

How the 2004 ALCS is Going to End [five possible possibilities, all alcohol-inspired]

1. Roberts steals home in Game 6 at Fenway; world explodes

2. Bellhorn rips 13th inning home run in Game 4 at fenway to complete Sox sweep; world explodes

3. Just as OC is about to field an easy ground ball for the third out of the 9th inning of Game 7, Mothra attacks Yankee Stadium, rendering game null and void (under MLB’s little known “Monster Island” clause]

4. We win, and suddenly it’s non-stop Christmas, with confetti and pretty girls and free beer everywhere you turn. Ortiz and Manny do the Letterman show. Francona gives Grady a wedgie during City Hall Plaza celebration.

5. We lose, and the acid slowly burns our stomachs from the inside out. McCarver notes that “the Curse” is still in effect. OC is seen crying as NY fans dance in the aisles. I eat a live pigeon to make good on a bet with my cousin Luther from Hackensack, New Jersey.

News Alert:

Steve over at Boston Dirt Dogs is rightfully rankled over a shirt being sold through MLB that co-opts Pedro’s “Call the Yankees my daddy” line to a woefully lame effect. In the interest of fair play, however, the Big Dog has convinced MLB to agree to produce an anti-Yanks shirt as well. Hop over to Dirt Dogs to cast your vote for best slogan.