“Hello. I’m Dmitri Young of the Detroit Tigers. The scumbags who run this site asked me to tell you that they’ve added some new shirts to their store. Yeah, whatever. If you want to check ‘em out, go ahead. Me, I’d rather smear peanut butter on my ass and sit on an anthill.

Now what I really wanted to talk to you about was your team. The Red Sox. We’ll be playing your boys tonight at lovely Fenway Park, and there are plenty of good seats available. If you’re in the neighborhood, come on down!

And don’t start worryin’ ’bout Manny. Yeah, I know, it was probably pretty scary to see him hobbling around after taking that foul ball to the shins last night. But my man’s a trooper. Hell, he’s a stormtrooper, Star Wars style, dig? He’ll be fine. And Foulkie? He should be okay, too. Come on, Boston. It’s time to rally around your team. Don’t let injuries or ‘the Man’ get you down. It just ain’t time for that.

Also, I once ate an entire canned ham in one bite.”